I'm already broken
by StevieScissorLuv
Summary: Something traumatising has happened to Barney when he was walking home one night, he's falling deeper into depression and his way of coping isn't very healthy, in fact its life threatening. Will Barney's friends find out what he's doing to himself or will he continue to suffer in silence, thinking the worst of himself? M to be safe Warning- mentions of rape & contains self harm.
1. Broken

_**Hey everyone.**_

_**This is an idea I had this morning, been working on it all day.**_

_**I hope you like this chapter.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

_**No one's POV**_

He can't believe what has just happened to him.

He is lying in an abandoned alleyway near his apartment, covered in sweat, blood and something else he'd rather not think about.

He stands up on shaking legs and slowly, almost robotically, pulls up his trousers.  
'This shouldn't have happened to me' he thinks as he stagers like a drunk man down the damp, dark street.

Millions of questions were buzzing around in his head, like 'why me?', 'what do I do now?' and 'who can I trust?'

He can't feel anything at all as he walks into the apartment, the pain has been overthrown and it is replaced by a numbness that he can't even begin to describe.

* * *

When he walks into his apartment he takes off his suit jacket and his tie.  
Like a zombie, he slowly walks to his bedroom, dragging his feet along as he does, making low grunting noises.

He flops onto his bed, just staring at the ceiling.  
He wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, not even Greg.

* * *

For a second he thinks about calling Ted, but then he decides against it.  
"Ted's not gonna care, he finds me a nuisance, I'm not his bro, I'm not his best friend and he is always so happy to point that out, I'm not even his friend, he thinks of me as a pathetic puppy that always needs to follow him, trailing behind him all the time, they all do" He says to himself with a painfully hoarse voice.

"The worst part is that he is right, they're all right, I am a pathetic loser" he says bitterly.

He also wonders if he should call Robin, Lily or Marshall.  
Again he decides not to.

If he tells Lily she'll just treat him like a fragile, little baby, like one of her kindergarteners, about to break at any second, that wouldn't be the right description of him, he's already broken, he has been for a while, long before this happened.  
Marshall would go straight into lawyer mode and ask him all sorts of questions that he wouldn't be able to answer, or want to answer and he would go straight to Lily.

And he can't tell Robin, she'll think even less of him, and he wouldn't even know where to start, or what he would say.

* * *

He glances at the clock on his bed side cabinet, its 3:38 AM.  
It's Sunday so he doesn't have to go into work, not that he was going to anyway.

He knows he's not going to get to sleep any time soon so he gets out of bed and walks into the bathroom.  
He turns on the shower, as cold as it can go and steps into it, not bothering to take his clothes off before.  
He sits on the shower floor, hugging his knees to his chest, letting the ice cold water soak him to the bone.  
He is still refusing to let the tears full.

He's shivering all over, he has goose bumps and his teeth are chattering.  
But he doesn't feel the cold, he feels as numb as ever.  
He pulls himself out of the shower and turns it off.

* * *

He walks back into his bedroom and opens the cabinet draw, he moves the thin plank of wood he put in there ages ago and takes out the small box that was in the secret compartment he made.  
With shaking hands he takes the lid off.

Inside the box are three small razors he had got from some pencil sharpeners he had years ago.

* * *

He pulls up his shirt sleeves, revealing tons of scars, old and new.  
He picks up the sharpest razor blade out of the three and drags it across his arm, gladly watching as his warm, crimson blood bubble and drip down his arm, onto the bed leaving red stains on his once white quilt sheet.

* * *

30 minutes pass and he now has got over 40 bleeding cuts on each arm.

The burning pain now running through his arms is a nice contrast to the once unbearable numbness he previously felt, but the pain doesn't last long and he is soon left with a deep itch he can't scratch and the un-ignorable desire to dig that cold, silver blade into his skin again.

He can't fight the urge any longer and an hour later he has got over one hundred cuts on both of his fore arms caused by his beloved razor, his only friend.

* * *

He suddenly feels faint and lies down on his bed.  
His eyelids feel heavy and the last thing he sees before falling into uncomfortable unconsciousness is the numbers 7:30 AM on his clock.

* * *

_**Barney's POV**_

I wake up with a dull ache taking over my trembling body.

My arms are extremely sticky, when I look down I find out why.  
Both of my arms are covered in my own blood.

One thing's for sure, I no longer feel numb on the outside, but I feel numb on the inside.

* * *

I take a quick glance at the clock, its 2:30 PM now.

I hear my ring tone and I check my phone, the sudden bright light assaulting my eyes.

I have got six missed calls, six new messages and two new voice mails.

The six missed calls are from Ted and Lily, five from Ted and one from Lily.

The six new messages are from Ted, Lily, and Robin, three from Lily, two from Ted and one from Robin.

The three voice mails are all from Lilly.

* * *

_**Ted-**__ hey Barney, I'm at the bar, where are you, I've been waiting for half an hour.__  
_

* * *

_**Ted-**__ Barney this isn't funny, I've been waiting an hour now!__  
_

* * *

Oh, that's right, I promised to meet Ted at the bar and help him find a date for his cousin Ida's wedding he's going to, so he wouldn't look like some lonely, loser that couldn't get a date.

I'll make up some lame excuse when I see him next.

* * *

_**Robin-**__ where were you last night, you said you would meet me at my apartment for dinner, I waited all night!__  
_

* * *

Damnit, I forgot!

* * *

_**Lily-**__ hey, are you alright? No one has seen you since yesterday.__  
_

* * *

_**Lily-**__ wanna go to MacLaren's later?__  
_

* * *

_**Lily-**__ Barney?_

* * *

I click on the first voice mail.

* * *

_"Hey Barney, you didn't answer my messages, just wanna make sure you are okay" she says, obviously trying to keep her voice calm, it's not working.__  
_

And then the next two.

_"Barney, this is not funny, answer the damn phone!" She yells angrily, something I know she does when she's worried._

_"I'm sorry for yelling earlier, just text me please" she apologises.__  
_

* * *

I hear my ring tone go off again, another text from Lily.

* * *

_**Lily-**__ that's it, I'm coming round.__  
_

* * *

Crap!

I jump out of bed, grabbing the blood soaked sheets and hiding them in my closest behind all of my expensive suits.  
I put on a pair of old, black ripped jeans, a black t-shirt, a grey hoodie and a pair of old trainers, they're a bit tight, but that's fine.

* * *

The sound of Lily knocking on the front door makes me jump and almost fall off of the sofa.

I get up, but I take my time walking to the door, my limbs hurt and I was pretty much planning to stay in bed all day.

I open the door and Lily is standing there with her arms crossed, looking unimpressed and concerned.

"Why didn't you answer your phone?" Lily asks me, her eyes looking me up and down, probably checking to make sure I dont have any injuries that she can see, but the injuries I have are hidden out of her view.

I tell her some lie about how I 'totally nailed some chick last night' and make some stupid remark about how awesome I am, to try to throw her off of my case, the last thing I need is someone finding out what happened to me.

I can tell she doesn't believe me, but she doesn't push it.

"Fine, but one more question, and I really can't believe I didn't ask this first, why aren't you wearing a suit?" She asks, pointing to what I'm wearing now, a confused look crossing her face.

"I just didn't feel like wearing a suit, what, is that a crime or something!" I exclaim angrily.

"No! It's just that you always wear a suit, you love your suits" she says.

"I don't love my suits, they're just inanimate objects Lily, I'm not that shallow" I tell her, making her pull a shocked face and gasp, then look kind of guilty.

"Um, ok, sorry I asked, do you wanna go to MacLaren's, Marshall, Robin and Ted are there" she says.

"Yeah, sure, let's go" I reply, desperately wanting to get out of the apartment, I'm starting to smell the blood from the sheets.

* * *

_**That's it for now, I may be doing more chapters, depends how many reviews I get.**_

_**I hope you liked this chapter.**_

_**Dont forget to review.**_

_**Bye everyone.**_


	2. Bandages and nightmares

_**Hey everyone.**_

_**I hoped you liked my first chapter and that it interested you.**_

_**Here is the next chapter.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

_**Lily's POV**_

There is something seriously wrong with Barney, he hasn't said anything since we left his apartment, and he isn't wearing a suit, Barney always wears a suit, the only time he doesn't wear a suit is if he's going to a funeral, I swear I am going to find out what's wrong with him.

"Are you ok Barney?" I ask, putting my hand on his arm, as soon as my hand touches his arm he flinches.

"'m fine" he mumbles, looking out the window and clenching his fists.

"You just seem different, you haven't said anything since we left your apartment" I say, not touching him this time, but just observing his reaction.

He looks down and he furrows his brow, scratching his hand, before replying.

"I said I'm fine Lily, I just dont feel like talking" he says, avoiding eye contact and still scratching the now red skin on his hand.

We get out of the taxi and walk into MacLaren's, still in complete silence.

Sitting in our regular seats are Marshall, Ted and Robin, the must have heard the door open because they look at us and when they take notice of what Barney is wearing they look shocked and confused.

I sit next to Robin, and Barney sits on the stool at the end of the table.

* * *

Me, Marshall, Robin and Ted start to have one of our mind conversations.

'_Why isn't Barney wearing a suit, he always wears a suit?'_ Robin asks, I can tell the question is aimed at me because I came here with him.

'_I dont know, I asked and he snapped, guys I think something is seriously wrong with Barney, he hardly talked the whole way hear and he kept scratching his hand until it went red'_ I say, tilting my head towards Barney who is still scratching a little at the red bit of skin on his hand.

'_Wait, Barney usually doesn't wear suits when he's at a funeral, maybe he knows someone that died'_ Ted suggests, also looking worried about our friend.

'_I dont think that's it, I'm sure he would have told us by now if someone he know has_ _died_' Marshall says, and we all look at Barney, we haven't said anything aloud since me and him sat down, but he hasn't looked up and he looks deep in thought.

'_I'm really worried about him, he's been off since last night'_ I say, that was the last time I saw him, he left the same time I did, he didn't take a taxi, he said he needed some air.

'_I think something happened to Barney yesterday when he walked home, he seemed perfectly fine before he went home'_ I tell them, I look to where Barney is sitting, or was sitting, where is he?

* * *

''hey, where did Barney go?'' Robin asks, looking around after, like me, noticing that Barney has left.

"He probably went to the toilets" Ted says.

"Could you two go check on him?" I ask, I know it sounds stupid, but there is something up with him and I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something.

"Sure, we'll be back in a sec" Marshall says, him and Ted standing up and walking towards the bathroom.

* * *

_**Barney's POV**_ _(when they started having their mind conversation)_

I'm surprised no one's said anything to me, considering the fact that I'm not wearing a suit like I usually would, I thought they would be all over that, and I thought Robin and Ted would be screaming at me for not going to the dinner with Robin like I promised her I would and not finding a date for Ted.

I find myself absent-mindedly scratching at my hand again, while I try not to get too nervous about the fact that they are all just staring at each other and not saying anything, just occasionally making a facial expression.

I try to shake the idea that they are talking about me with their minds, I have no idea when we started doing that or how we do that, it's actually really freaky, but there's a nagging voice in my head saying _'they're talking about you, about how weak and pathetic you are', 'maybe they've already found out what happened to you but they just dont care', 'if they find out what happened to you they'll either not believe you or they'll hate you, you let that man do that to you'._

This goes on a bit longer, them staring at each other and the voices in my head screaming at me, before I decide that I need a release, I figure they won't miss me, so I walk away and into the toilets, I'm glad that I decided to keep my razor in my hoodie pocket.

* * *

I walk into the stall furthest away from the door.

Once I'm in the stall I completely breakdown and it takes everything I have not cry out, I cry silently, shaking and breathing heavily, while reach into my pocket and pulling out the cold silver blade that I now rely on.

I only have 4 bleeding cuts before I hear someone opening the door, I freeze and stay deathly quiet.

I hear someone call my name, Ted?

What is he doing here, I look under the stall and see two sets of feet, I'm guessing he's with Marshall.

I stuff the razor back in my pocket quickly.

I wipe my eyes and hope that it doesn't look like I have been crying.

I slowly get up and unlock the stall door.

"Hey guys" I say, trying my best to fake a smile, it doesn't look like they're buying it.

"What's wrong Barney?" Marshall asks, and I can already tell him anything he'll just go into lawyer mode and ask a bunch of questions I couldn't care less about right now, so I lie.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm awesome" I say half heartedly.

"Hey, what's happened to your hand?" Ted asks, I look at my hand and I mentally curse myself for not being more careful.

When I put the razor back in my pocket it cut the palm of my hand.

"Oh, it's nothing, just caught my hand on something" I tell them.

"It doesn't look like nothing, and it looks recent, it's still bleeding" Marshall says, grabbing my wrist to get a better look at my hand, making me wince in pain.

"What's wrong with your wrist?" Marshall asks, noticing the look of pain on my face when he grabbed my wrist, part of the reason is because of my cuts and part of the reason is the bruises left there from last night, the memory makes me want to throw up.

"just sprained it a couple of days ago, interesting story actually" I tell them, and then I tell them some lie about how I sprained my wrist while having sex with some hot chick from Russia, I can't tell if they believe it or not.

"I dont think it needs stitches, but if it's not cleaned soon it could get infected" Marshall says, he takes me over to the tap and starts to clean my cut.

Both Ted and Marshall look surprised when I dont show any signs of pain when Marshall starts to wash the cut on my hand, it's not that I dont feel it, it's just that the pain feels good and I know I deserve it.

Something that surprises me is that Ted keeps bandages in his jean pocket, he passes some to Marshall and he wraps it gently around my hand.

"Are you sure you're alright Barney, we're worried about you" Ted says, with a sympathetic look on his face.

'_They're not worried about you, they pity you, they hate you and you know it', 'they think you're a freak, you know they never actually cared about you right?'_

"Dont be, I am completely fine, I just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all" I lie, hoping they'll just let it go, I never should have left the apartment.

"You know you can always talk to us if something's bothering you right?" Ted asks, I just nod in reply, even though I dont believe a single word he just said.

"Good" Marshall says smiling, obviously my lying is getting better.

* * *

All three of us walk out the door and back to our booth.

Robin and Lily are looking at me with concerned faces, I guess Lily told Ted and Marshall to check on me.

Robin notices the bandage on my hand, along with Lily, and speaks up.

"Hey Barney, what happened to your hand?" she asks, looking me in the eye, as if searching for truth.

"Caught it on something, no big deal" I say, moving my hand from on top of the table to under it and on my lap, away from their prying eyes.

"do you guys wanna head up to my place, it's getting a little crowded in here" Ted says, I agree with him, this place is packed and its making me feel really anxious.

We all say yes and we head up to Ted's apartment.

I dont really feel like going back to my apartment and facing the loneliness and the smell of blood yet.

We decide to watch a movie, luckily its Ted's time to choose and we're watching star wars.

* * *

I fall asleep through half of the movie and I wish I hadn't because all I can see is the man that attacked me, I can't bring myself to actually say what he did to me, not even in my head.

I keep replaying what happened in my head, I keep asking myself 'why didn't I stop him?'

'Why did I let him do that'.

Suddenly I'm stuck in that alley way again, vulnerable, defenceless, afraid, with no one to help me.

I'm falling, deeper and deeper, into a depression I know I won't be able to get back out of.

He's touching me again and I'm trying to scream, but all that comes out is a quiet whimper, I can't do anything but cry and pray for this hell to be over soon.

I hear him shouting my name, how does he know my name?

"Barney, Barney, Barney!" the voice starts to sound familiar, and I feel myself being shaked.

I start to hear another three voices calling my name too.

It confuses me.

I feel myself starting to wake up, only I wish I wasn't waking, I wish I had died in my sleep, away from everything and everyone, the world would be a better place without me.

* * *

I open my eyes and they're assaulted by the bright light above me.

"Huh, what happened?" I ask, sitting up and rubbing my face, only then do I feel the dampness on my face, damnit! I've been crying.

I wipe my eyes and try to pretend they were never there.

"Barney, you were screaming and crying in your sleep, and dont say it's nothing because I dont believe you" Lily says, she's sitting next to me, rubbing my back and I feel guilty for worrying her.

"I'm fine, it was just a stupid nightmare" I tell her, I guess its partially true, it was a nightmare, but I am most certainly not fine, nowhere near, haven't been for a while.

"you are not fine Barney, no matter how many times you say that you are, we know you're not, we know you're lying, we're your friends, you can trust us" Robin says, how kind and gentle her words are shock me and frustrates me.

She doesn't mean that, if I tell them they will hate me, they will never understand, this is too much, I need to go home.

"Can't you guys just leave it alone, I dont want to talk about it!" I shout, not waiting for a response, I bolt out the door and run down the stairs.

I take a taxi home because after last night there is no way I am walking home alone again.

* * *

_**No one's POV**_

Lily, Ted, Marshall and Robin all look shocked at Barney's outburst, but Lily is still determined to find out what is wrong with Barney.

She says goodbye, before leaving after Barney, she gets in a taxi and tells the taxi driver to take her to Barney's apartment.

* * *

_**Ok, that is it for now.**_

_**I hope you liked this chapter.**_

_**Review what you think so far and/or what you think should happen.**_

_**Bye everyone.**_


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